One of the hardest parts; maybe one of the most exhausting parts of trying to heal from a painful relationship, is the way the mind refuses to let go.
It replays conversations over and over, it analyses their words, their actions, and their behaviours; it questions your choices, and it imagines a thousand different endings.
It feels as though you’re stuck, trapped in a cage, and you just can’t find your way out, or get to that place of peace that you so desperately need.
This is rumination…
I still to this day have flashbacks of things that happened that I was gaslighted into believing was normal, words that were said that can now never be taken back, the lies that I found out about later on, the neglect, the manipulation, having to constantly beg for the basics, the degradation of self-worth, and the realisation of the truth that screamed at me whilst I continued to turn a blind eye to it all.
So I’m not going to insinuate that it’s a switch that you can just simply turn off, because the truth is, it’s not.
Rumination tricks you into believing it has a purpose!
It convinces you that if you just keep thinking about it, you’ll finally uncover the answers, you’ll understand the reason, or you’ll find the missing pieces that will make everything suddenly make sense.
But the truth is, no amount of reflection or rumination can ever change what has already happened.
True closure doesn’t come from solving the pieces of the past, it comes from choosing how you’ll carry it forward.
If this seems familiar and you’ve found yourself caught in this cycle thinking that you feel as though you’re trapped in a prison in your head, please know there’s nothing wrong with you.
Your mind is simply trying to make sense of something that hurt immensely and cut deeply.
It’s what our brains do when we’ve been hurt; they circle back, hoping to keep us safe from that type of pain ever happening ever again.
But healing requires us to challenge this…
Healing asks us to interrupt this cycle and to return to the present, where life hasn’t stopped and is still unfolding.
Because there comes a point where peace isn’t found by trying to make sense of the details of the past, but rather by reminding yourself that the story is already written; the chapter has ended, and the only thing that matters now is what you choose to do next.
Instead of asking yourself why it happened, begin asking what it revealed to you.
What did this experience teach you about your own strength, about the boundaries you deserve to hold, about the kind of love and respect that you’re really worthy of, and what you’ll no longer settle for?
Ask yourself what you now value because of what you went through; maybe it’s honesty, maybe kindness, maybe peace.
And then ask yourself how you want to show up moving forward.
Does this now allow you to become more compassionate towards yourself and others?
Does it allow you to see your worth more, and does it allow you to be braver in choosing the relationships that really are right for you, and saying no to the ones that aren’t?
This is where your pain begins to guide you.
It’s about turning the pain and the “why” into clarity, strength, and a deeper understanding of what you need moving forward.
It won’t erase the pain, but it will release the power that rumination has over your thoughts.
Your thoughts will become doorways, instead of feeling like they’re trapped in a cage that you just can’t seem to escape no matter what you do.
And there will come a moment, and it will come, when you realise that you are no longer defined by the pain; not because what you felt and what you went through never mattered, but because you mattered more.
The story of what hurt you will no longer be the story of who you are; and one day, that person who once felt so broken, will become the person who became the best version of themself because they refused to stay broken.
I know it feels like it at times, but you’re not going crazy just because you’ve got endless thoughts running through your head.
This person who was in your life mattered to you a lot, and it’s only natural for your mind to grieve for what you once really wanted.
Be kind to yourself, be patient, and use these thoughts to build the foundations, of what you want the rest of your life to look like moving forward.
~ Mark Smith