As much as you might want to, you can’t expect someone who’s only ever been used to chaos, to suddenly be able to provide you with a relationship that is calm, peaceful, and normal.
Because experiencing a sense of normality when it comes to a loving, healthy relationship is nearly impossible when you’re with someone who’s only ever been used to chaos, or chaotic relationships.
Not because they like chaos itself, but because they like the familiarity of it, and because of this, they subconsciously sabotage any reality of a normal loving relationship, because chaos is all they’ve ever known.
Chaos is their normal…
They don’t know how to love in a relationship that’s stable, normal, respectful, and loving.
They don’t know how to demonstrate emotional maturity in navigating the ups and downs that inevitably occur in every healthy relationship.
They prefer the comfort of the chaos that is familiar to them, rather than the unfamiliar that might actually be good for them.
Those who experience traumatic, neglectful, or chaotic childhoods that result from either traumatic events, an unstable family environment, or a neglectful upbringing, can often find themselves in this situation.
They’ll often find that the trauma from these childhood events manifests unknowingly into a never-ending cycle of toxic relationships as an adult.
Except sometimes it’s them that’s continuing to cause the cycle without even realising.
They’ll often sabotage love and replace it with the chaos that they’ve always been used to without realising it, because they aren’t aware of their unhealed woulds and how these wounds manifest from their subconscious into their beliefs, words, behaviours, and actions.
They sabotage love because they’re unhealed, and they end up becoming the common denominator!
In most cases they unfortunately were likely to never have experienced a safe, stable, and normal healthy upbringing, which is why as an adult, a normal loving and holistic relationship in a calm and loving environment feels so foreign to them.
You could be the most loving person in the world, but you can’t fix them if they won’t take responsibility for taking the steps to heal themselves so that they can experience a normal and healthy relationship.
They will always be unable to accept a healthy relationship on a long term basis until they come to the realisation that they need to heal parts of themselves first.
Their relationships will always start off well, but always end in chaos.
Unfortunately those who experience this type of childhood trauma and who don’t take the time to acknowledge, work through their wounds, and heal, are also far more likely to become narcissistic during adulthood, and therefore compounding the problem.
Because the reality is, a narcissist is really just a scared, unloved, and unhealed child inside, who secretly dislikes themselves because of what they’ve been through.
They create chaos and drama to hurt others as a coping mechanism and a way of deflecting from facing the parts of themselves they dislike so much.
If someone doesn’t take the time to heal from their past, it eventually impacts who they become in the present.
Their fears impact their beliefs about themselves, their beliefs impact the words they use, their words and beliefs impact their behaviours, and these behaviours over time become their personality, their character, and who they are.
Bad behaviours are a result of feelings, events, and trauma that haven’t been dealt with that now impact who someone is, and how they respond to and treat others.
And this will always result in a level of toxicity that sabotages something that could have been so beautiful…
The longer someone holds onto unhealed trauma and suppressed emotions, the more bitter, resentful, and angry they’re going to become.
If left unhealed for long enough, it will change who they are.
Sometimes relationships end not because there was a breakdown in the relationship, but because someone in the relationship hadn’t taken the time to heal, and as a consequence demonstrated behaviours that sabotaged the relationship.
Part of being in a committed relationship is understanding who you are, knowing what role you’re playing, and knowing where you can become better.
Sometimes that means taking a much deeper look at yourself and understanding the pieces of yourself that have been suppressed and forgotten about for so long but that play a role in how you perceive and subconsciously impact your relationships.
Unhealed trauma will always keep presenting itself until you face it, and there’s only one person who can fix it!
Someone like this might not have been responsible for what has happened to them, but they are responsible for their own healing so that it doesn’t continue to hurt others…
~ Mark Smith