I was asked the other day if I thought that trust can ever really be restored in a relationship once it's been badly broken...
The short answer I gave was yes I thought it was possible, but only if two people are committed in trying to repair it, because what's required on both sides differs significantly.
But an answer to a question like this requires some context around it.
Because everyone's situation is different, and also because trust can be broken for a many number of reasons, so it's very hard to give just a generic answer.
So I decided to draw on my own experience with having my own trust broken the most it had ever been broken by anyone, by someone who I absolutely adored.
Except they did just break my trust...
They completely decimated it, over and over again without ever showing any remorse and without any change in behaviour...
Looking back, these betrayals meant that I never felt safe in my relationship with this person, because they proved time and time again that they couldn't be trusted and that they couldn't act as a safe space for me.
I remember it eventually got to the point where I became fearful of communicating how I really felt, because each time I did, their disrespect and betrayals were suddenly because of something that I had done.
There was never an apology and there was certainly never any accountability taken, or any form of remorse or empathy for what they had done.
There was only ever deflection, blame-shifting, and further manipulation in order to avoid taking responsibility.
It felt like I was always swimming against the tide.
But the full extent of their lies and betrayal wasn't even discovered until some months after the relationship finally ended.
I must admit that I always had my suspicions, but not like this...
They had knowingly lied directly to my face hundreds upon hundreds of times over the course of the relationship.
They were so good at what they did, I couldn’t even tell…
Broken trust in a relationship comes in many forms, but it’s always unwelcome and it's always incredibly hurtful.
So what do you do to avoid it reaching the point of implosion?
As I mentioned earlier it's hard to be generic because every situation is different, but there are some questions that you can ask yourself that will lead you to an answer every time.
Because it starts with honesty...
You need to be able to honestly assess whether or not you can even bring yourself to trust this person again, or if trying to is just going to be a waste of time for both of you.
You have to be really honest with yourself and ask yourself;
Is this person really willing to change?
Is this person being respectful towards me, my values, my needs, and our relationship?
Are they taking the time to really listen empathetically to me and to understand what I'm saying about how they've made me feel?
Is this person actually taking accountability for what they’ve done?
Is this person showing genuine remorse in how they've made me feel because of what they've done?
Do they even understand how what they did was wrong?
And is this person genuinely trying their best to work on themselves and become better for us?
In my case, the very clear answer to ALL of these questions became a resounding NO!
There was no change at all in their behaviours that had damaged and destroyed my trust so badly to begin with.
If anything, it just continued to get worse over time.
Because it gets worse over time if accountability isn't taken...
So then once you've established the answers to all of those questions, you then have to be even more honest with yourself by then turning the questioning around onto yourself and asking yourself;
Am I also willing to look at myself constructively, and am I willing to change things about myself that I might need to change?
Were there things that I did to contribute to this and am I willing to take accountability for this?
Am I genuinely prepared to try my absolute best with this person in giving them an opportunity to repair the broken trust, or am I just going to remain resentful?
Am I really listening to what my partner is trying to tell me, and am I being understanding and respectful towards them?
What will it take in order for me to be able to fully trust this person again? Do I even know?
Can I really trust this person ever again?
Without trust, a relationship simply won’t survive.
This questioning will essentially give you the answers that will let you know whether or not things can really be repaired, or if you're better off to just simply move on from the relationship.
It is absolutely possible to restore trust in a relationship, but it requires A LOT of work, commitment, change, and patience from BOTH sides, which is why you need to be really honest with yourself.
If you’re in a situation right now where you’re wondering if the trust can be restored in your relationship, start by asking yourself these questions.
And if the answers aren't what you'd hoped they'd be; then remember that it’s always going to be painful to lose someone that you love;
but it’s always going to be more painful staying with someone who's prepared to continually risk your relationship by betraying your trust.
Because someone who does that, simply isn't committed to doing the right thing by you or your relationship!
And when someone consistently doesn't do the right thing it will anger you, and that anger will eventually turn to resentment that can't be undone...
Start with real honesty to either begin to fix it, or to save yourself the time and to begin a life after the relationship.
~ Mark
