Most of us at some point have had to deal with a toxic, abusive, or narcissistic relationship.
These relationships can leave scars that feel like they’ll never heal, and they can leave you in a painful state of confusion and trauma afterwards.
You think back to the arguments, the manipulation, the deflection, the blaming, the gaslighting, the hot and cold, the heartache, the pain, the emotional abuse; all of which leaves you with trauma you never wanted.
I know because I’ve been there.
All of these things were present in my relationship with someone and it felt like I was always competing for my own relationship, because they would be forever seeking attention and validation from everyone else while projecting their own toxic behaviours onto me, and they convinced me that I was the problem.
It turned out that the person I thought they were, didn’t exist at all.
The person they pretended to be, wasn’t real.
I understand what goes through your mind as you’re trying to come to terms with what has happened.
You think back and you’re angry at the fact that they never took any accountability for the things they did, and you feel emotionally damaged.
You think back to how they convinced you that you were the problem and how they always blamed you, but nothing was ever their fault.
You think back at how you used to beg them for their time because you missed them so much when they’d so easily give it to everyone else.
You thought it was real love, but to them they were only using you for their own agenda and once they had finished draining you of everything you had and they no longer had a use for you, they burdened you with the pain and chaos that they left behind.
The fact of the matter is, they just weren’t meant for you; they didn’t deserve your heart.
But please understand this;
None of this is your fault, not even close.
The reason that someone display's these behaviours stems from childhood; from either an emotionally neglectful upbringing or parent, or from some form of traumatic or toxic upbringing from a parent or parental figure. In my particular case the person I was with had experienced both and this is why these behaviours later become toxic traits in adulthood.
This doesn’t excuse how you’re treated by them though, because they have a responsibility to do the work on themselves and to heal from these events and not project them onto you.
Because the fact of the matter is; you never did anything wrong for wanting to be treated in a loving and respectful way.
You absolutely and undeniably deserve someone that will love you with REAL love and treat you the right way, the way you deserve to be treated.
But when they do eventually come along, you need to remember to be brave enough to let them in.
The trauma from our past teaches us to build walls around our heart to try and keep us safe and to prevent us from ever being hurt again.
These walls are almost indestructible.
But this new amazing person who wants to be part of your life didn’t create those walls, they didn’t take your love for granted, and they don’t want to hurt you.
They just want to tear those walls down and love you like you’ve never felt love before.
They don’t deserve to have the ghosts and trauma of your yesterday projected onto them.
Because you will eventually find someone who is emotionally intelligent and mature, who does want to give you the world without you asking; someone who does appreciate you, values you, respects you, and loves you for exactly the person you are, and every single version you’ll ever be.
Remember, if you’re loving someone with all the love that you have to give and it’s not enough for them, or they won’t give you the basics by spending quality time with you or are respectful enough to give you a level of emotionally intelligent communication; then you’re giving it to the wrong person.
~ Mark