This is without question the most personal piece of me I’ve shared so far.
In fact, no one’s ever seen this until now.
During the aftermath of having it quite clearly pointed out to me that I had in fact been subjected to narcissistic abuse, I found myself locked in a world of confusion, turmoil, and disbelief.
But the longer the cold hard facts lay in front of me, the harder it was to ignore.
But I was left with more questions than answers, more confusion than clarity; and nowhere or no one to obtain the answers from.
It was a time of retraction and a lot of reflection.
As anyone who’s been through something similar knows; the realisation comes as an abrupt shock to the system, because the manipulation at play blinded you to everything that was always right under your nose.
It was during this time of confusion as I was trying to understand, that I started to question whether or not I myself was a narcissist, and were there things that perhaps I needed to change.
Eventually clarity prevailed and the facts presented told me NO, I was not the narcissist; I was heavily disrespected and manipulated by one.
As I was working through these emotions along with the pain and degradation of self-worth that narcissistic abuse leaves you with, I wrote this poem.
I wrote it as a pledge to myself.
It’s never seen the light of day until now.
And so I’m giving it to you; maybe these words might resonate with you too…
Staring at an empty page
Staring at a world that’s lost its colour
Locked inside the solace of my mind
Frozen in time, in a place with no name
There’s so much I’ve left behind
There’s so many questions that will forever remain answered
My soul feels empty and my spirit now undefined
The life I thought I knew now shattered in pieces and left behind
Trying to live without her hand
Trying to live without a plan
Trying to learn how to trust in love again
It feels like never, I just can’t see when
The pain I feel is not of this world
The confusion that imprisons me, drives me crazy with twists and turmoil
Flashbacks, realisations, reflections of a dream
It now appears that nothing was quite as it seemed
But today I let go, today I take a stand
The lessons I need to learn are along this journey I never planned
All I want to feel is something that’s true and real
I want to love again, but my heart first needs to heal
So for today I start with me
I make a commitment to myself
For I just want to be the best man that I can be
So I write this for me, here’s my resolution…
~ Mark