I’ve received a number of messages in response to my post last week about the healing journey after manipulation.
So I wanted to just take a moment to give you some further insight and context, and speak a little bit more about my own experiences with this; in hope that in some small way it helps you on your healing journey.
If you’ve read some of my previous posts you will know that I unfortunately fell prey to and got caught in the web of a highly manipulative covert narcissist.
They destroyed almost every aspect of my life.
They completely destroyed my finances and left me in a state of financial ruin as most narcissists will at some point do, their presence in my life completely destroyed my mental health at the time, they destroyed my career and my professional relationships that took many years to develop, they destroyed many personal relationships, and towards the end they were psychologically and emotionally damaging towards my children leaving a level of unwanted trauma.
They were very clever and very cunning about the way they went about things.
But after a while, the mask started to fall off…
Eventually I grew tired of their disrespect, neglect, false accusations, and their emotional manipulation; and I eventually reacted.
It was at this very moment when I decided that I wasn’t prepared to tolerate their disrespect, neglect, or manipulation any longer, that their false accusations went into overdrive.
They proceeded to spread false, malicious, and deliberately damaging lies to everyone they knew and anyone who would listen to try to damage and discredit my reputation, so that they didn’t have to face or take accountability for the things that they had done.
They discredited me as much as they could, they threw me under the bus and turned me into their scape goat with their lies, because they knew the whole TRUTH which they weren't telling made them look bad…
This is exactly what narcissists do once they realise that you’ve found out who they really are.
On the surface they appear as a loving, caring, and genuine person; but underneath lurks an evil that once exposed becomes used as a weapon against you.
The damage and chaos they created from entering my life was catastrophic, but the trauma and scars they left behind was something I simply wasn’t prepared for.
The craziest part of all however, was that even after all of the disrespect, the manipulation, the false accusations, and the lies; I still missed them.
But the version of them that I missed, I slowing began to realise was never actually real to begin with.
They pretended to be someone much different from who they really were.
And it’s this very realisation, at this very moment where YOUR healing journey BEGINS.
You are left in such a state of so much confusion and trauma that you now need to somehow unravel and make sense of it all.
But the very first thing you need to do is to realise that the person you thought you fell in love with never actually existed in the first place.
The person they pretended to be wasn’t real…
Once you realise this and that they really were manipulating you from the very beginning, you can very slowly start to differentiate fact from fiction.
And a lot of what you thought was fact will end up becoming fiction.
Your healing journey is going to be a bumpy ride…
It’s going to be a rollercoaster ride of varying emotions; anger, hurt, confusion, and disbelief to name just a few.
There will be days when things feel like they’re finally looking up, and then they’ll be days filled with tears.
No, it isn’t fair; but you do have to take responsibility for your own healing.
I can’t underestimate the importance of giving yourself time to heal PROPERLY.
You can’t rush this.
Their manipulation tactics they used on you took away your ability to be able to listen to your instincts.
They took away your ability to trust yourself.
It’s really important that you take the time to learn to trust yourself again, and to relearn how to listen to your instincts when something isn’t right.
Because if you don’t, you’re only going to end up bringing that trauma into your next relationship, and the next person you’re with doesn’t deserve that.
When you fully trust yourself, you trust your instincts, you pay attention to the red flags early on instead of brushing them off hoping they will disappear; they never do…
You find yourself setting healthy boundaries for yourself which when you do you’re actually demonstrating to others how you expect to be treated by showing them how you treat yourself.
When you fully trust yourself you regain your confidence, your self-worth, and your self-esteem again.
Give yourself the respect to not allow yourself to remain locked in the confusion that they have left you in, or the trauma that they left you with.
The key to breaking free from this while you’re rebuilding your self-trust again, is to start also building new routines, new structures, and new interests in your life.
Because this allows you to slowly detach from the old and harness the new.
Go for a walk and enjoy nature, try new hobbies, spend time with friends and loved ones, reconnect with people you may have lost along the way.
Because as much as you’re healing, you’re also rebuilding.
Your focus right now is YOU.
Remember, they may have robbed you of precious time that you now can’t back, but take heart from the fact that you did eventually see through their lies and deception; and don’t allow them to steal a single moment more from the beautiful future you are now about to build…
Because this is where you turn those scars into a beautiful stunning new mosaic…
~ Mark