One of the hardest parts about sifting through the evidence and coming to terms with the fact that you were involved with a narcissist; is the fact that afterwards, the narcissist makes sure that everyone they know thinks that you were the villain.
It’s knowing that those closest to them, even their own family will never truly understand the truth, or what really happen, because the narcissist is so good at playing the victim and so convincing at making you look like the problem.
They didn't see what went on behind closed doors.
They didn't see the manipulation, or the emotional mind games.
They didn't see the love-bombing that came first, the intense attention, the false safety, the way they made you feel chosen, even when you weren’t even looking for love.
That’s the part that still gets to me.
I wasn’t even chasing them.
I wasn’t even looking for a relationship.
They came to me!
They pursued me, mirrored me, studied me, and made me feel like I had found something rare.
In hindsight, I know now that it wasn’t because of love, but because they needed somewhere to live, and they needed a distraction from the relationship that they had just exited in order to avoid facing their own healing.
And then, once they had me emotionally invested, I fell into such a depressive state and felt trapped in their ever so subtle but clever manipulation.
Suddenly I was the problem, and it was all my fault for the pain, chaos, and destruction that they had brought into my live; none of which would ever have existed had I never entered a relationship with them.
And now, I’m the villain in a story that they’ve twisted into a version that doesn’t even resemble the truth anymore.
What hurts is that there are people who never even bothered to find out the truth; they just accept the version they were handed.
Because it’s easier to believe the narcissist is the victim than it is to accept that someone they love could be capable of such emotional damage.
And I think that’s what hurts the most…
Being judged, and being misunderstood by people who have no clue.
Having your name dragged through rooms where you can’t defend yourself and where your voice will never be heard.
Hearing about how people speak badly of you, while you’re still trying to heal from the wound that was left behind.
But I’ll also be the first to admit that I wasn’t always perfect, because anyone who’s been with a narcissist and who’s being truly honest with themselves knows that a narcissist will bring out the worst in you as you’re trying to survive the pain and destruction that they’ve handed you; so you do things and react in ways that are not part of your character.
And when this happens the narcissist is waiting and ready to use this so they can escape accountability and convince everyone that you are really the problem.
But yet, you know the truth...
It hurts because you know the truth, you know how much you gave, how much you sacrificed, and how much you tolerated that you shouldn’t have.
You know how many times you tried to make it work while they played games with your heart and emotions.
But their family and those that they choose to manipulate after you will never see that version, because narcissists don’t tell the truth.
They tell the story that protects them, their image, and their ego, so that they don't have to be accountable.
But here’s what I’m learning…
You don’t have to prove yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you.
You don’t have to fight for your character in the minds of people who only know the manipulator’s version of you.
And you don’t have to carry the weight of being the villain in a story that was never honest to begin with.
The truth is; people who want the truth will seek it, and people who don’t will stay loyal to the lie that makes them feel comfortable.
It hurts deeply, but I’ve made peace with being misjudged by people who never cared to know my heart, or who were to ignorant to take the time to listen to the full story; and I know that if they did, they'd see things very differently.
But I'll live with the fact that I'll be the villain in some people's story, because the peace I feel without them in my life now, is worth being the villain in their story…
~ Mark Smith