There are some things that I will never forget…
There are some things that will now stay with me for the rest of my life.
There are words that were said that continue to bounce around in my head.
There are flashbacks of moments that continue to haunt me.
And there were things that were done that I still can’t comprehend.
I used to think I was running from the monster within me, but now I realise I was trying to escape the monster that was in front of me causing the darkness within me.
I remember how I felt, and I remember the pain just like it was yesterday.
I remember the neglect, I remember being made to feel alone, and I remember the disrespect so clearly.
I remember the cruelty of having to beg for the basics when the world thought they were kind and empathetic.
Except I accepted that it was all my fault because I was always blamed instead of being understood.
I now know that I was gaslighted and manipulated by this person, except I didn't know it at the time because I never needed to know what any of it was; but they knew everything about what it was, and they knew exactly how to use it because I can now see that they had done it before.
But of course if you ask them they will deny all of this, they will deflect from all of this, and they will completely negate and refuse to acknowledge the damage they caused.
They'd rather run from accountability just like they've always done, and they'd rather manipulate and twist the truth in a very cunning and deceptive way into something that no longer resembles the truth.
I’m not saying I was perfect because no one ever is and I wasn't, and looking back now there are things that who I am today would handle very differently; but I know now that the things they did were wrong, manipulative, cruel, and inexcusable.
I know now that my reactions even though I felt ashamed of them were never the problem, but that their disrespect, their betrayals, and their manipulation to avoid being accountable was really the problem.
I know now who they really are along with all of the things that they tried so hard to hide from me and never thought that I’d ever find out about.
Well I found out, I know what they did, I know what they've said, I've heard about their heinous lies, and I know beyond any doubt exactly who they are.
What makes things worse is that they know exactly what they did, yet they continue to deny the existence of what they did, and they continue to lie to those around them.
But I don't long for their apology anymore, I don't need their closure, because they are without question the most deceptive and manipulative liar that I have ever come across and I don't want a single second more to do with them.
I remember how cunning, deceptive, and incredibly manipulative they used to be in the way that they went about things, and I don't want to give them a single opportunity to manipulate me or use me as their scapegoat ever again.
The truth is I had no idea what I was dealing with until afterwards; until I started learning about things in an attempt to piece everything together, but I know now beyond any doubt because the evidence is crystal clear.
So they can live with their delusional story, they can paint me as the villain if that's what they want to do, because I know the truth.
And time always reveals the truth, even if someone refuses to acknowledge or accept it.
There’s a reason I’m telling you this…
Because the thing that no one tells you is that once you’ve reach a place of peace again, it’s only then that your mind has the room to process what you went through.
It’s only then that you can see things clearly for what they really were, and begin to come to terms with who someone really was and what actually happened.
And once you’re in this place again, your brain is going to randomly send you at the most random and inconvenient of times reruns and flashbacks of what you went through, except now you’re viewing them almost as an outsider and you can see everything that you couldn’t see then.
Sometimes it will feel like you’ve just woken up from a surreal dream that you’re trying to piece together and understand.
When our body and our mind is under stress for an extended period of time, the chemical balance that allows our body and mind to function properly becomes altered and it blocks certain things from coming through, because our brain’s main function is to do what it needs to do in order to protect us and survive, and that usually means suppressing or emotionally running away from things so that they don’t hurt us.
So later on down the track when the scenes replay, you’re met with disbelief and confusion once more, but this time giving you moments that make you feel more deeply reflective than numb.
Sometimes it’s not until later on once the storm has passed or once someone else begins explaining things to you that you come to fully understand what it was that you were actually dealing with.
Sometimes it’s a case that there were two storm clouds that tried to turn the rain into sunshine instead of using the rain from the clouds to water their growth together, but other times it’s because someone was the storm.
Just because you see things now that you couldn’t see then, it doesn’t mean that any of what you felt, or perhaps what you still feel is invalidated, because what you felt and what you went through was real even if they continue to refuse to acknowledge it.
So when those flashbacks and memories replay, and the realisations hit, know that you don’t need anyone else’s validation to know that what you felt was real.
You don't need their validation or their apology before you can have closure, because their lacking of validation and an apology, along with their refusal to acknowledge what they did is your closure.
But also know that those words, memories, and what they did aren’t always there to haunt you; they are there to remind you to be grateful that you were protected, saved, and that you now have the opportunity to find something that’s better.
Sometimes we end up completely broken just so that we can see that we were settling for all of the things that we should never have been settling for.
Know your worth and protect your peace!
~ Mark Smith