Something that I think gets so overlooked when it comes to relationships is expecting someone who's only ever been used to chaos, to suddenly be able to provide you with a relationship that is calm, peaceful, and normal...
Experiencing a sense of normality when it comes to love is nearly impossible when you're with someone who's only ever been used to chaos, or chaotic relationships...
Because they subconsciously sabotage any sense of love, because chaos is all they've ever known.
They prefer the comfort of the chaos they is familiar, rather than the unfamiliar that might actually be good for them...
Unfortunately those who experience traumatic or chaotic childhoods that result from either a traumatic event or a neglectful upbringing, can often find themselves in this situation.
They can find themselves in a cycle of toxic relationships as an adult.
But perhaps the saddest part is that they'll continue this cycle without even realising what's causing it...
THEM...
They'll often sabotage love and replace it with the chaos that they've always been used to.
Not necessarily because they want to, but because they just aren't aware of what they're doing.
They aren't aware of their unhealed woulds and how this manifests from their subconscious into their words, behaviours, and their actions.
They sabotage love because they're unhealed.
Because chaos IS their normal...
They never experienced a safe or a normal healthy upbringing, which is why a normal loving and holistic relationship in a calm and loving environment feels so foreign to them.
We can be as loving as we like but we can't fix this if they won't take responsibility for taking the steps to heal themselves so that they can experience a normal and healthy relationship.
We may want to provide them with a loving relationship in a loving environment, but they won't be able to accept that relationship or environment until they've taken responsibility for their own wounds and their own healing.
Unfortunately those who experience this type of childhood trauma and who don't take the time to acknowledge, work through their wounds, and heal, are also far more likely to become narcissistic during adulthood.
Because the reality is, a narcissist is really just a scared, unloved, and unhealed child inside, who secretly dislikes themselves because of what they've been through.
So they create chaos and drama that hurts others as their way of deflecting and coping.
Of course if suggest that this might be the case; they'll become defensive and flatly deny it.
They'll very quickly look to blame something or someone else for their unhealed trauma, because they've buried these wounds so deep because they don't want to face them.
You are not defined by your past, but if someone refuses to take the time to heal from their past, it becomes who they are in the present.
But just like narcissistic traits are developed at an early age; given the right set of circumstances later on in life, so too can narcissistic behaviours develop during adult life.
Because bad behaviours are a result of things that you haven't dealt with and that now impact who you are, and how you respond to and treat others.
What I'm really saying here, is that if you don't take the time to heal, those wounds WILL appear some place later on through some form and have an unhealthy impact on your life, your relationships, and you'll only end up sabotaging something that could have been so beautiful yet you'll have no idea why...
This is why I talk about the importance of taking your time to heal properly and to understand your wounds before moving onto the next relationship.
Because the longer you hold onto your unhealed trauma, the suppressed emotions, and you don't start to unpack what you've held in for so long, the more bitter, resentful, and angry you're going to become.
Eventually these feelings left unhealed and felt for long enough, will start to become your new personality traits...
And personality traits become who you are...
So take the time to understand your wounds.
Give yourself the time you need to heal properly and fully.
So that you can remain the person that you want to be, and so that your next relationship is the relationship you're in for the rest of your life...
~ Mark Smith