If you think you might still be trauma bonded to someone who’s no longer in your life, here’s how you can tell…
You still feel the need to prove to them that you are worthy of their love and affection, and you still wish they’d see your worth.
You still hope that they will validate your emotions and your pain by suddenly deciding to do the right thing by apologising and acknowledging that what they did was wrong.
You still remember all of the cruel things they said to you, and the cold, heartless things they did to you, except now it’s constantly in your head and playing on repeat.
You still dream about them at night whether it’s a dream or a nightmare, or you find yourself zoning out and drifting off into deep thought over them during the day.
You’re constantly replaying past moments and old conversations in your head, except now you’re rehearsing new conversations and arguments that haven’t even happened yet just in case they do happen, because you want to make sure that you say exactly what’s on your mind.
You still wish more than anything that they’d say sorry and finally give you the closure that you long for, even though you already know they’re incapable of doing so, and too selfish to even consider it.
When you go somewhere that you used to go with them, it now feels cold, lonely, and foreign; but also tainted with the deepest sadness each time go there, so you do your best to avoid going there so that you don’t spiral afterwards.
You still think to yourself that if circumstances had been different, maybe things would have worked out differently, because there’s a part of you that even after everything they put you through still chooses to see the best in them, and instead of questioning them and their behaviours, you instead question circumstances.
You’re still so incredibly angry at them, wildly angry; but you’re also angry at yourself for ignoring the red flags, allowing yourself to be manipulated and gaslighted, and no matter what you do, you just can’t get them out of your head.
You find it hard to allow other people in now because you’ve built a wall so thick and so high that no one can get it, because you don’t want to give anyone even the slightest chance of hurting you in the way that they did ever again.
You don’t even allow yourself to feel emotion anymore, to accept love, or to even allow the space to allow anyone in; you’re just completely shut off now because all you want is peace and you’re just not convinced that anyone else is worth the risk.
You think to yourself; what if they did reach out?
You’ve told yourself a million times that if they ever did try and come back that you’d stand firm, that you wouldn’t allow them back in, and that you’re never opening the door to them ever again; yet there’s still a part of you deep down that wonders if you would go back if you think they had changed, because you remember loving them so much deeper than anyone else before them.
Yet if you do happen to hear about them, hear their name, or you accidentally stumble across an old photo; no matter how much progress you’ve made or how healed you think you are, all of a sudden it feels like you’re right back to where you started.
You feel numb again, you feel the anxiety all over again, your chest aches, and your nervous system goes into overdrive as though it was only just yesterday.
Trauma bonds aren’t just surface level, they run deep, because they’ve been built on survival, not love.
So my question to you is…
Who did you think of as you were reading these words?
Because I want you to remember that you’re worth so much more than the pain and confusion that they left you with, and you deserve better than the way they treated you, because you deserve better than them!
~ Mark Smith